Elephantine Consciousness

I wear an elephant broach on the left shoulder of my black french button up every winter. In the summer, there is no place on my clothing thick enough to hold the trunk, or the roundness of its body, dented with fake jewels that shimmer like real diamonds under the brooklyn sun. When I have had two or more drinks of the most delicious raspberry lambic beer, I lift my little gold elephant to my ear and pretend it speaks sweet words of joy into my ear. Like a child, I pretend it sings to me every morning, as it coats my body with warmth.

And inbetween these moments of golden gobbles, I spend far too many hours lounging...time when I could have been writing my application essays, or studying for my test in April. Time when I could be meditating on my next crucial step. It makes me feel terribly guilty. But soon today I woke knowing that while in this time of haze and headaches from the commercials, or the crappy local news about the slew of enraged citizens with the Mayor's poor response to the blizzard of 2010, I am calm, and okay in my response. All of the sleep was needed, the extra pieces of chocolate, necessary. The home-made dishes, a golden gobble indeed.

And on a night like last night, I watched a special on CBS about the Kennedy Center's Honours for the year of 2010. Oprah Winfrey, Paul McCartney and Obama sat like regal gems, soaking in the honour with humble love. They cried to their tributes, and kissed the sky with white gloves, and golden bands wrapped around their fingers. I watched God emanate from their beings, and that same God in them rests in me. The difference? They thought BIG. I imagined what the energy must have felt like being in a room of our world's true leaders.

And this theme runs through my blood. Think big, GINORMOUS thoughts, all the time. I spoke of this over dinner a few nights before, after a table talk about all of our plans for the year of 2011. Unknown to my consciousness at the time, I said that if I want to help thousands, or perhaps one day, millions of people, I have to think BIG, prodigal thoughts of magnanimous proportions. Do I want to work in Africa, give workshops to hundreds of people? Sing again? Help many families? Publish many books? Speak from love and passion every minute of every waking day, fully conscious and forgetful of the lowly powers of fear?

If I want to truly perform acts of heaven on earth with all of the people I meet in my life, I must take on angelic wings and leave the fear to the floor, as I pick up new ideas in coffee shops, on the bus to work, or when I am with children, who know no limits. I have to manifest a circle of people in my life who know this about me and are not afraid of it. I will walk alone, as well, to this goal, and happily so.

I will heighten my consciousness by making goals each day, of every hour. I will dream of large buildings, soft pages of my own written wonderment, and be the love that I can give. I will start to imagine my organization's name, the outlines of my books, the smell of the printed pages. I will imagine a spouse who holds my hand in all of these endeavors, and adds their own flavor to their purpose in life, as it will blend splendidly with my own.

If I want to experience love in this magnitude, I must give it in equal proportion.

And I will love myself humbly, as I love all of you. And I will remember when I am lounging, low, or down, that where I am and what I do along the way will build upon this steep and complex mountain of consciousness, with many roads, curves, and fresh pine trees, until I make it to where I want to be. And it will be more than enough.

And when I am scared, sad or feeling uncertain, I will listen to the whispers of my little elephant, my source--guiding me with divine love, and white light.

I will see its' jewels cast rainbows on the wall, and know in the power of now.

For Mary, Who Shall Walk With No Shame

My dear friend Mary approached me on break during West African dance to say that she has been out of hand since her mother's recent passing. Her mother died of a blood infection gone horribly wrong just two weeks ago, and to my shock, Mary had an overwhelmingly positive attitude for our upcoming performance on January 8th. She said the performance is just what she needs--the chance to throw her fists outward and upward, to bang our bodies to the floor, to act out the kukilamba dance in wild prayers for rain and a plentiful harvest. To listen to the drums for a beat that our hearts can all dance to with laughter and lightness.

Absolutely.

And like the psychologist that I am, I let her tell me her troubles with the intent to heal. No Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy or Mindfulness techniques. No man-made interventions, just spiritual connection.

She spoke of having sex with men who didn't love her--of getting bar tending jobs because she felt it was the only way to get by until she was out of school. Of smoking pot and drinking a mere day after her mother's death. All I could think was how much more painful the shock was while intoxicated. It all made me hurt for her. And as much as the therapist avoids counter-transference, I couldn't help but speak on my behalf.

I know what it is like to give your body away, and even the lightness of your spirit to someone when all you want to do is discuss the joys of our lives--to inch toward an inkling of spiritual union, of connectedness. Which is really what the art of relationship is--growing together in a deep spiritual union, bound by human universals. And it is not just women who crave this. I know men ache for love and like-mindedness just as much as women. We all want to have that deep connection and the chance to truly create conversations of gold. A chance to show each other who we really are.

We are all searching for love from one another, and we mix in this search with a need to fill deep wounds with pretty pebbles. There is a flaw in this, though. How can we ever learn to give our love if we do not accept that we are already whole? Wholeness is perceived as a lifetime achievement, but the truth is that we are already perfect, and that these bumps in the road are actually the gaps, or space between our thoughts that help us leap to higher faiths, to greener pastures. To sweeter days. Be thankful for them, and hold your head high with no shame. Walk knowing that you are, and always will be, connected to your source, your own spirit. The light that loves you unconditionally.

The source in which we all come from and eventually return to, together.

And then, be kind and forgive yourself.

Where you are right now is where you are meant to be. And if you can, forgive the other person involved too. Jesus was actually pretty cool when he said to "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." Just as we are all trying to figure out what it is that our soul needs, know that these are all lessons that have been brought to us with grace.

They are the greatest lessons in self-love. Know that time is an illusion to this growth. You are okay where you are, right now.

And when you can, send that person involved blessings for health, wealth and happiness. And if it were really up to you, tell them your regrets and realizations. Their spirit will love the honesty. This is true love for humanity, transcended, and when this happens, watch how quickly your wounds heal.

And then, finally, walk upward and onward, with your hands outstretched to the sky. Let the beat of your own drum carry you. Always.

For Better or Better.


I will love you, Mary.

For The Little One Who Loves

Instead of using the bridge to cross over the public garden's pond, businessmen in suits and women in heels clobbered their way to the other side, digging into the thin, murky ice.

Some slid along with their tennis shoes flat to the ground, and one man in particular ice skated ringlets along the edges where the ducks once came near my side in the summer, begging for a piece of my Upper Crust pizza. And although I walked over the bridge toward the musicians strumming and humming on the other side, I couldn't stop myself from grinning. The joy this moment brought was unthinkable from the depths of the subway tunnel.

I decided to take a new route home after the discordant strums of work. There was a little girl in baby blue sparkle pants and her mother, drinking coffee and holding large oversized holiday bags in her other hand. The little girl had blonde hair and kept her jacket unzipped on this rather cold night. She had two front teeth that opposed eachother's growth, as though they were magnets repelling. I loved her for the smile she gave me. We sat together on the train going upground, mesmerized by the moon's beam along the Charles River. Even after five years of being in Boston, nothing about the ride over the Charles River gets boring.

And as we got off the train and settled on a bench for the bus, the little girl spoke to me. "Do you know my name?" she said.

Precious.

"No," I said.

She squirmed on the bench. "DEVON!" she squeaked, holding her hands over her mouth after shouting.

I told her how fitting the name was for her, and that I have never met a Devon with blonde hair like hers. The interaction thrilled her. She was delighted to engage in a small conversation about my hat, the weather, and hockey. I didn't know much about the sport but for this little seven year old it was all the rage. She paused though, for a moment.

"Did you know there's people that don't have homes?" she said.

Children are so aware and honest. I told her that yes, I did, and that I loved them.

Her nose wrinkled up into an adorable little grin! She said, "You looove them?! Do you love me?!"

And as casually as the little one asked and offered love, I gave it. Her mother was on the phone near by, and I didn't want to make it awkward but I didn't want to miss this beat.

"Yes, very much" I said.

We took the bus all the way to my stop, where I regretfully said my goodbyes to her from afar, waving and winking at her as the bus door opened. My wink made her squirm with delight in her seat, grabbing her mother by the arm and pleading with her to say goodbye to me too.

And when I got off the bus, I knew that what I said was true. My love for her was instantaneous. Just as it is for anyone with their heart in the right place, and especially for those who are looking for their path. I love and forgive all and wish her mother strength, love and happiness. I know that they will find this light and that they are protected by the mighty wings of the Universe.

We are all safe, warm, and loved. And I think back on all of my choices in life...the moments that saddened me and the ones that brought me to where I am now. Each a beautiful puzzle piece to add to my collection of lessons. What I am capable of is the kind of love that makes my heart soar for the children that know no limits, and the ones that want to fly.

This is who I truly am.

And it is in these moments that I see the God in all of us. I imagine the little one crossing the pond... not slipping or sliding but ever so gracefully gliding along, taking her time to grow out of her troubles, just as we are all meant to do.

I will love her for always.

Love's Ancient Pulse

I often wonder if at the end of the day, the psychologists adjacent to my office sit in dismay at the sheer saddness they embrace day in and day out. Mixed with morsals of happiness and lowly, infrequent breakthroughs...do they travel home by car, train, bus, bike or foot, whispering from the cracks in their throat...did I do right by the light within me?

There is only so much they can say. It is not enough, to implement a man-made therapy plan and to work miracles. The turnover rates are nonexistent, and the flow of customers, endless. I have people cry over the phone to me that they need help, they need someone to part the nebulus, thick clouds that block their sight from clear, joyful views. Someone to listen to the bouts of hunger in their belly, still full from a family thanksgiving past.

And I hear their cries as I feel my own. They roll down my cheeks and splash off my shirt to the ground.

But I travel with my head high, shoulders back, and hold onto life in my hands. Go inward I say. Find the light that opens at the close. Choose happiness. Choose white, fluffy light.

And this flame will pass on like torches at the Olympics. We will throw our hands in the air, much like the runners, sweat rolling down our necks--living, breathing, and celebrating the fact that we have become that which we always were before the storm--pure, infinite love.

In Everything, Give Thanks

My frequency is shifting from low to high and at a rapid rate. As I begin to read about the angels that surround me, the Seven Spiritual Laws that can set any thought free, and the poignant teachings of Dr. Wayne Dyer, the spiritual master of our time...my life has drastically changed.

I am starting to see every word, thought and intention I have in a new light. People in a new perspective. This shift will also have those closest to me, view my changes dead on. And so I ask, dear friends, to be open, willing, and kind. I share them with love, not fear. I talk about it only when asked, and I promise not to freak you out, for real.

I have dozens of coin stories, each of them placed on the street by the angels at my side, hearing my call.
I want to tell you about the synchronicity of finding a coin from England, with Queen Elizabeth etched in the center. At my lowest, most doubt-induced moment, I find this coin that reads "D. G. REG. F.D."=abbreviated in latin, and stands for "Defender of the Faith."

Have faith. Yes! That's what the angels were trying to tell me.

I found a coin from Switzerland on the bus back to Boston, with the words "The Neutrality State" abbreviated. The night before I provided my first couple's therapy session, and remained as neutral as possible.

Last night, I found a coin from Panama, with the conquistador Balboa on it. I was explaining my goals in life to a dear friend that same night, and there it was, wedged inbetween the door on our way into the restaurant.


No mistakes.

Star Lily

I woke up before the sun today, to my yellow star lilies resting near my chilled window. I bought them at the grocery store the day before, and fell in love with the richness of their butter-yellow petals. Two of them had yet to bloom. I usually buy the battered and torn flowers because I fear they will not experience the love they need before an eventual shrivel. And even though each flower faces the same fate, I knew to pick the budding yellow lilies...still fresh like spring, and kiss goodbye the beaten and worn for another day.

My little lilies have brown cinnamon dots on their insides, much like freckles on child. They are a sweet surprise when in bloom. And in the stillness of the morning, with slight frost on my windows from the chilly evening, I got up from underneath the covers and felt the grooves of their insides, the thinness of their edges. One bud, the largest of the bunch, began to move under my fingers. And with the slightest of motion, each petal split smoothly, and half way out like a banana, freshly peeled. It was as though I was watching a nature show that speeds up the film to show the growth of the flower, in a moments' time. But it happened before me...and I removed my hand so as to let nature take its' course.

The silence of my old red barn house. The deep purple of the night. The african colors of my room. The mini pumpkins that sit on my sill, aging gracefully into their senior year. All of it, miraculous. The space between our thoughts. The moments we are present for. The moments we miss.

The dance our heart really beats for.

At 6am, this is life.

In My Eyes, We Are Whole

Not Good Enough.

This idea beats rhythmically on the train in the morning, huddled next to thousands of suits and the smell of different breakfast blends, and I am becoming acutely aware of them-- of the energy of everyone's single thought in the morning: I am not good enough. I will never be enough.

It manifests itself in the jobs we settle on, or the self-defeating words we choose, or the people we surround ourselves with... its colors radiate so dimly I look to the sun to blind me from the furrow in a person's brow, or from the anger in their voice. From the opinions of others. From my opinions and the expectations I set for myself.

We are not good enough.

Why?

Why do we allow a belief to orchestrate the music of our lives? Oh what sweet music it really is, if we chose to listen to the beat of our own rhythm instead of the thudding in our guts. It is no way to live...how defeating the words sound. I can't touch them but my body used to feel the thought beat down, and now, I choose to release it. I must release it because if I don't it will kill me. It will kill what enormous love, generosity and intelligence I have to really, truly provide to humanity. And as far as I have come, it creeps up in such a byzantine, screwed up fashion.

So I decided to change any potential self-defeating "I'm not good enough" thoughts in my head at Souper Salad, on my first break of the day, yesterday.

My hair was tied back in a cute bun, and my skin radiated after three months of intense job searching. No wrinkles. Pressed clothes. Milk and berries in my belly. A book in my hand. Happiness and bliss in Souper Salad.

I locked myself in the bathroom for ten minutes. My bag was set to the floor. Silence between me and the mirror.

I set the goal to look into the mirror for ten minutes, close up, to where my pupils dilated, in and out. I pressed my face close to the mirror...enough to see the fog form.

Minute One and Two:

Wow. My mascara works well with my lashes, but there are some places around my eye lid that I should surely clean up before I go back to work. Oh no, you are thinking about your appearance, Sarah. Focus. I pull back, then move back into place.

Minute Three and Four:

I am laughing. Why is it so funny? You will surely look like a lunatic if someone were to ever see you, Sarah. Oh no, there it is. You said it in the thought...someone might think your crazy for trying to find the love that you know triumphs in your heart = you are saying you are undeserving. You are not good enough to change the way you think. There it is, for this moment in time.

Minute Five:

Did anyone else in Souper Salad see my bliss at being alone with my book? Do I feel alone?

Minute Six:

I am alone, but I don't feel like I am in poor company. I see a beautiful woman in the mirror. Look how far you have come. Working in a place that loves you. Writing and learning all of your passions. Living lightly every morning, each day. Stepping with a skip. Choosing the path of least resistance. Flexible thoughts. Infinite opportunities. I am good enough.

Minute Seven:

Who ever told me I couldn't be enough?

Minute Eight:

I love you, Sarah. Why are you laughing?! Does it hurt that much to say it seriously?! Say it again.

I love you, Sarah. I love you.

Minute Nine:

Starting to feel the words seep into my skin. When have I ever said this aloud? Why does it feel painful in my body?

Minute Ten:

I love everything about me. I forgive myself for anything I have shamed or guilt tripped myself for in the past. I release those thoughts from here on out. I am whole. I am whole I am whole and free.

And as I left, drying up my tears from the unexpected fiasco in the bathroom, I held my bag close to me. My arms wrapped around my waist.

And slowly...ever soo slowly, the digestion finally took place.